Atheist fails to persuade wife that he’s not allowed to celebrate St Valentine’s Day

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A man has failed to persuade his wife that he’s not allowed to celebrate Valentine’s Day because he’s an atheist. 

Simon Williams, who has indefinitely relocated to the spare bedroom, insists that he didn’t buy his wife a card because of his strongly held beliefs about organised religion and not, as she suspects, because he’s a forgetful tosser.

“It’s a slippery slope,” Mr Williams said. 

“Today, I’m celebrating Saint Valentine. Next week, I’m bigging up Francis of Assisi. Before you know it, I’m speaking in tongues, flogging myself with rosary beads and have a 3 bottle-a-day communion wine habit. Valentine’s Day is basically a gateway drug to religious fanaticism.

“My wife knew I was a deeply principled man when she married me. It’s the reason I refused to pay over-the-odds for the catering at our wedding reception and why, ultimately, our guests ended up eating KFC.” 

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Despite Mr Williams receiving support from a number of high-profile atheists – Richard Dawkins tweeted he was “loads braver than Joan of Arc” – Mrs Williams remains sceptical of her husband’s explanation. 

“It’s no coincidence that Simon’s epiphany that the Almighty didn’t exist coincided with him becoming aware that our local Tesco Express had just closed,” said Mrs Williams. 

“This isn’t the first time he’s done something like this. Last Christmas, he converted to Islam after he forgot to defrost the turkey. On the day before my fortieth, he became Amish.”

“And the less said about the time he claimed to be a rabbi half an hour before our youngest’s parents’ evening, the better.”