Nurse’s union offer a load of broken PPE in return for pay rise

The Nurses union, the RCN, have made a dramatic attempt to break the deadlock in pay talks by offering a load of broken PPE (personal protective equipment for medical staff) in return for a fair pay rise.

“We know that this government absolutely bloody loves broken PPE,” explained Pat Cullen, RCN General Secretary.

“Lord alone knows why, I mean, personally, I think fully-functional PPE is loads better than broken PPE but, whatever, this government loves its broken PPE.

“So, we’ve offered them loads of old broken PPE that we were going to throw out. In the pandemic, they spent about £9bn on broken PPE, our pay rise demands would cost about that much, so that seemed like a decent offer.”

Sadly, however, despite initial interest from the Government, they have refused the offer.

“Initially, I loved the idea,” said Health Minister Steve Barclay.

“Millions of tonnes of broken PPE? Yum yum, I thought. We’d definitely be up for making a deal on that basis.”

However, Mr Barclay soon realised that a deal would be impossible.

“The problem was that it was Pat Cullen offering the broken PPE. That wouldn’t work. We only like buying broken PPE off our mates; someone one of us went to school with, perhaps, or a bloke who runs the pub round the corner.

“Ms Cullen doesn’t fit those criteria, so the deal just wouldn’t work.”

The pay dispute will now continue as the government simply doesn’t have the money to fund a pay rise. However, if there are any mates of the government with a load of broken PPE, they’ll definitely be interested.