Are you a middle-aged white man who has been forced to apologise simply for saying what everyone thinks? Most gammons will have to go through this at some point in their lives; but worry not, we have got you covered.
Apologising without saying sorry is a very fine balancing act. It requires sufficient evidence of contrition to satisfy the baying mob, whilst also leaving enough ambiguity to ensure your real friends know you don’t mean a word of it.
Here are our top tips for apologising without apologising:
- Do not use the word “sorry”. Ever. Under any circumstances. If you don’t actually say the word ‘sorry’, then you can never be accused of being sorry. It’s as clear an indication as it’s possible to give that your apology is actually a non-apology. Your supporters will love you for it.
- Reference the unhappiness of others about whatever you said. Stating the demonstrable fact that lots of people are cross about something you’ve said will give the illusion that you give the tiniest of shits what they think. “I can see that lots of people are unhappy with what I said” is a perfect way to state the obvious without acknowledging they have a point.
- Explain the thing you did might have sounded bad, but it wasn’t meant to be bad. It doesn’t matter if you liken someone to a mass murderer, or express a wish for them to be covered in excrement in public, just explain that it sounds worse than it really is, and you didn’t mean it that way. You meant to compare them to a mass murderer in the nice way.
- Do not, under any circumstances, say it won’t happen again. We all know that it will, because it’s in your nature. In fact, your supporters are banking on it happening, so use something wooly about maybe trying a bit harder, or something. But don’t promise anything.
Follow this guide and you too will be able to enjoy a consequence-free existence expressing whatever god-awful thing pops into your head in those dark sleepless nights.