A special advent calendar has been released, perfectly encapsulating the destitution and disappointment of post-Brexit Britain.
If you haven’t bought your advent calendar yet don’t worry – a Brexit-themed version has just been made available and can be bought in all terrible shops now.
This government-sponsored edition of the festive countdown only has eleven windows, because that’s all the nation can afford now that we are in a Brexit-induced recession.
Rather than the traditional small chocolate behind each door, the calendar has a variety of items which reflect the crushing poverty of a solitary life with no friends or trading partners.
Snap this calendar up today and enjoy the following surprises:
Day 1: Some fluff from the filter of a tumble drier
Day 2: Someone else’s pubes
Day 3: A pale white dead spider which disintegrates when touched
Day 4: The black bit from some bird shit
Day 5: Flakes of dry skin from Boris Johnson’s tired feet
Day 6: A thimble full of Bin Juice
Day 7: A fun-size Bounty
Day 8: Toxic air from a Jacob Rees-Mogg fart
Day 9: Dust from the Department for Exiting the EU meeting rooms
Day 10: A used cotton bud with stained yellow tips
Day 11: A passport photo of Rishi Sunak
But the fun doesn’t stop there. On day 12 you can cut out the template on the back of the calendar to make a festive noose and end the pain forever.
The Brexit advent calendar costs 8% of your annual income plus all of your remaining hope and dignity. It will soon be available in all good gutters.