‘I don’t care what the census says, this is a Christian country’ insists man who never sets foot inside a church

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People across social media are today insisting “this is a Christian country” despite the fact the last church service they attended was for their nan’s funeral.

As the census of 2021 reported that less than 50% of the country now identifies as Christian, angry simpletons have wasted no time in disagreeing with the results.

“This IS a Christian country,” thundered internet tosspot, Simon Williams, “and it is vital that it stays that way.

“Of course, I won’t start going to an actual Christian church, because I don’t miss my Sunday League matches for anything – but there is absolutely nothing wrong with me self-identifying as a Christian, even though the evidence of my behaviour points very much to the opposite being true.

“Self-identifying is only bad when it’s the other thing.”

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Just 46% of the UK population indicated being Christian during the last census, with fewer than 10% actually bothering with Church.

“Oh I wish these fake Christians would sod off,” said the Archbishop of Canterbury.

“You don’t get to call yourself a Christian unless you actually bother with the faith in the first place, and you don’t get to use your pseudo-Christianity to make your bigoted, swivel-eyed arguments against foreigners walking within two miles of your house.

“I hate to break it to your tiny minds, but Jesus wasn’t British, and he said ‘the meek will inherit the earth’.

“And despite your protests, those foreigners clinging onto a raft for dear life look pretty f**king meek if you ask me.

“What Jesus didn’t say in the Bible was ‘go forth in my name and spout all kinds of hateful nonsense against people who look more like me than you do’, or if he did, then it must have been in the director’s cut.

“If you would like to come to church on Sunday, then, of course, you are welcome. I kind of have to offer; due to this whole forgiveness shtick.

“But please, don’t let us get in the way of a perfectly good hangover.”