Nation staggered to hear of Sir Gavin Williamson acting a prick

author avatar by 1 year ago

Sir (for he is an actual knight, good grief) Gavin Williamson has been acting like a bit of an arsehole, to the sheer amazement of absolutely everybody.

The MP, who looks like the lawyer for every single Bond villain, has been exposed as a bully, sending expletive-filled messages to the former chief whip, Wendy Morton (“expletive-filled” means there were words like “twat”, “piss” and “f**k”).

“That’s the one who messed up the covid-era school exams and pushed against the idea of free school meals as Education Secretary, who then got sacked as Defence Secretary for leaking information about the Chinese, who then cheated on his wife, and then thought the bet way to deal with Russia was telling them to “shut up”… that’s him, yeah?” confirmed Hayley Rice, a citizen with an unusual knowledge of the life of Sir Gavin Williamson.

“And you’re telling me he’s a bit of a prick? Well, I never. Will wonders never cease? Blow me down. And so on and so on.

“No, I’m not surprised. When’s he resigning?”

NewsThump Best sellers

A Downing Street spokesperson commented, “We’ve arranged Sir Gavin’s resignation for around half past two.

“He can’t really help being a prick, he IS a Conservative. However, one’s natural prickishness should be kept under wraps as much as possible, and between these texts to Wendy Morton and other revelations regarding threats against civil servants, it’s probably time for him to go.

“That being said, he will definitely be in the running to replace Suella Braverman as Home Secretary when she next resigns – that’s happening on Thursday.”

The Cabinet of Arseholes – get the updated Sunak-era mug here!