The vibrating anal bead scandal surrounding leading chess player Hans Neimann seems to have spread to the world of football and one of the most high-profile players in the Premier League.
“Effectively, Pep Guardiola was controlling Erling using the vibrating anal beads."
Erling Haaland has thrilled fans this season with his incredible scoring record but today it can exclusively be revealed that Haaland CHEATS using vibrating anal beads to improve his game.
“So, like all big clubs, we’ve got a box of anal beads that players can take away and use on their own time, and then I’m responsible for sanitising them when they’re returned,” said Simon Williams, the Manchester City Anal Bead Caretaker.
“I started to release something was wrong when I found I had to order in a new set of extra-extra-large anal beads, just two weeks into the season. I mean, they could only be for Erling, right? He’s a big guy. How was he wearing them out so quickly?”
Mr Williams decided to investigate further.
“I disguised myself as Scott Carson and hid in the dressing room. After all the players had gone on to the pitch, I saw Erling and the gaffer come in, insert the extra-extra-large anal beads into Erling and go out on to the pitch.
“During the game, I watched the gaffer intently, and I could see that he kept the controller for the vibrating anal beads in his hand the whole time. What he was doing was waiting until Erling was in a goal-scoring position and then activating the anal beads to tell Erling when to score.
“Effectively, Pep Guardiola was controlling Erling using the anal beads. I felt a deep sense of shame that my club would stoop so low and wanted no part of it, so I decided to reveal all to the press.”
The evidence, including the used extra-extra-large anal beads, has been handed over to the Premier League for investigation, and this could prove to be the biggest scandal to engulf football since the Peter Crouch electronic cock ring affair of 2006.