Liz Truss set to appoint Witchfinder General to root out Civil Service Witchcraft

author avatar by 2 years ago

Actual Prime Minister Liz Truss will today announce the appointment of a Witchfinder General for the first time since the 17th Century.

The appointment follows her comments whilst campaigning that she was concerned about the ‘woke civil service beset by creeping witchcraft.’

“The civil service spends too much time riding on broomsticks and doing spells, and not enough time implementing Tory policy,” said the new PM yesterday.

“I think a Witchfinder General is the key to getting our Civil Service running smoothly again.”

Even before the WF has been appointed there are plans afoot to construct a dunking stool and pyre on Parliament square to allow full transparency for all witch finding activities.

NewsThump Hoodies

Simon Williams, a Tory supporter and part-time serial killer, approved of the new plans.

He explained, “Finally, someone prepared to stand up to the cancer of witchcraft that has bedevilled this country in recent years.

“Ordinary folk like me can’t do anything without some witch turning up and putting a spell on us, but no one does anything for fear of offending witches. You couldn’t make it up.

“I just hope the witchfinder doesn’t stop with the Civil Service, but also launches a full investigation of the BBC and all of local government as well.

“Full of bloody witches, that lot.”

There is currently no clue as to who the Witchfinder General is, although Priti Patel is understood to have offered to do it for free.

The all-new Cabinet of Arseholes – get the T-shirt HERE!