Nation waiting to see whether Boris or Carrie dumps the other first

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The countdown has started on the Johnson/Symonds divorce and the only question now is – who will make the first move?

Experts predict that Carrie will finally get sick of Boris as he sticks it in anything that moves which isn’t her, and suggest she’ll put up with it for longer than most expect as that solid gold wallpaper doesn’t come cheap.

However, the bookies’ favourite is Boris, who will quickly realise the advantages of having the settee free of an evening when he brings someone home.

“On the one hand you’ve got a self-interested, money-obsessed narcissist, and on the other you’ve got a… sorry, that’s no help at all is it?”, said relationship expert Simon Williams.

“Okay, so let’s try this – we have a big, blonde adult baby who is prone to tantrums to get their way and a… damn, this is difficult.”

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“Right, one of them only got into the relationship as they realised it would be helpful in their lucrative media career and now it’s over they may as well move on, and the other… oh, sod it, you get the picture.”