Boris Johnson launches new mobile heating units for destitute pensioners

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Prime Minister Boris Johnson used his interview with Susanna Reid this morning to launch a new government initiative aimed at helping destitute pensioners stay warm during the energy crisis.

Johnson explained that thanks to the free bus-pass given to pensioners, they are able to leave their freezing homes and enjoy a free trip around the capital to warm themselves whenever they see fit.

The prime minister explained, “We’re not just giving these desperate people heating, we’re bringing the heating to them – well, to their nearest bus stop.

“Don’t worry if you can’t afford to put the heating on in your flat, simply put in a coat and wander to the nearest bus stop, jump on any bus – any one you like – and take a seat next to one of the heaters, completely free of charge.

“There is no need for ANY pensioners to sit at home in the cold when they could be warming themselves while being driven aimlessly around the city.

“Think of it like sight-seeing, but with the added benefit of avoiding hypothermia.”

Johnson went on to explain that his government was pledging 8,000 new buses to the scheme, but when pressed for details it appeared the 8,000 buses are the ones already in circulation.

He went on, “Yes, but we’re not going to decommission those 8,000 buses, so that means we can count them as ‘new’, even though they already exist and are being driven on our roads right now. That’s how government accounting works, you wouldn’t understand it, it’s very complicated.

“I dream of a day when our capital’s buses are full, absolutely full, of smiling pensioners delighted to be out of their damp and cold homes, enjoying a brief glimpse of how the rest of us who don’t worry about our bills actually live.”

The Cabinet of arseholes – get the best-selling T-shirt starring Boris right here!