Saturday 16 April 2022 by Neil Tollfree

Government to outsource creation of half-baked, dead-cat distractions to Rwanda


Priti Patel outsource dead cat excuses to Rwanda

The Government has announced plans to outsource the generation of its dim-witted, half-baked, dead-cat distractions to Rwanda.

“I’m pleased to announce that we have just signed an exciting new deal with Rwanda,” explained Priti Patel, Home Secretary and complete fucking bastard.

“From now on, whenever Boris gets caught doing something stupid or appalling, the responsibility for coming up with a half-baked, ill-thought-through distraction from whatever it is he’s done will fall on a company in Rwanda.”

In practice, the new deal would mean that if Boris were to wake up face down in a pile of cocaine with a dead prostitute at his feet, the Rwandan company would come up with a plan to set fire to refugees and leak it to the press. Consequently, the newspapers would froth themselves into a frenzy at the new refugee plan rather than focus on Boris having murdered a prostitute. Again.

Simon Williams is in charge of the Rwandan company responsible for producing the distractions.
“It’s fairly easy,” he said.

“You just think up something appalling to do to anyone who wants to come and live in Britain and the newspapers love it.

“So, we just need to come up with a steady stream of ways to be horrible to foreigners – kick them in the goolies, throw them in the sea, make them live in Chelmsford – that sort of thing.”

Whilst Mr Williams seems confident his company will be able to cope, if they will have to come up with a distraction for every time Boris Johnson does something stupid or appalling, experts predict they could well be become the busiest company in the whole of Africa.

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