Steven Seagal almost fat enough to become a general in the Russian army

Martial arts enthusiast and noted Russophile Steven Seagal has almost achieved the minimum weight required to serve as a general in the glorious Russian army, according to reports today.

Seagal, who moved to Russia several years ago, is understood to have followed a strict training regimen – sometimes committing eight or ten hours every day to stuffing his face – in order to meet the strict requirements to reach the upper echelons of Vladimir Putin’s armed forces.

“Intelligence indicates that to be granted general rank, a candidate has to pass several rigorous challenges – the main one being tipping the scales at over 250lb with no more than 10% body muscle,” said expert Simonov Williamsovitch.

“That sort of peak physical conditioning can only be achieved by someone who dedicates years of their life to the goal, moving as little as possible and possibly consuming KFC gravy through a straw.

“If Seagal makes it through selection, it’s possible he will be deployed to Ukraine where he will attempted to defeat Volodimir Zelenskyy in single combat either by using his Aikido skills or maybe just sitting on him.”