Wednesday 29 September 2021 by Chris Ballard

We’ll happily sell fuel to people who win fights, confirm petrol stations


men fighting over petrol

The fuel industry has confirmed that violence is definitely the best way to procure petrol for your vehicle.

With queues at petrol stations set to last for days, garages have stated that brawling is the most efficient and effective way of ensuring you get enough petrol to take the kids to school.

“The current system of orderly queuing simply isn’t working,” said petrol station spokesman Simon Williams.

“People currently have to wait in line for ages only to find that perhaps the pumps are dry when they get to the front of the queue. Or perhaps there’s a £30 limit when they wanted £31 worth.

“So it’s much fairer for everyone if people just kick the living shit out of each other on the forecourt.

“It’s up to individual garages how they want to organise the fights.

“Some will go for a Royal Rumble approach with up to 30 customers brawling at once – where the last man standing gets to fill their car up.

“Others will adopt a Street Fighter style knockout tournament with one on one combat and a best of three rounds system.

“To make things more interesting, weapons such as knives and lead pipes will periodically be thrown into the arena for combatants to pick up and use.

“Fighters will be able to replenish their energy by grabbing any Ginsters pasties and bags of wine gums hurled in their direction.

“It might sound crazy, but rest assured – this method of eliminating total fucking idiots means that the petrol crisis will be over as quickly as possible.”

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