Tuesday 31 August 2021 by Chris Ballard

Man celebrating anniversary of favourite album forgets wife’s birthday


Man celebrating while wife is upset

A man who actually sang happy birthday to an album was totally oblivious it was also his wife’s special day.

Simon Williams spent much of the bank holiday weekend celebrating the 27th anniversary of the Manic Street Preacher’s seminal 1994 album ‘The Holy Bible’.

“It’s such an important record, I just had to mark the occasion,” said Simon, whose wife Karen turned forty on Sunday.

“I spent the whole of Saturday in the kitchen baking a cake. Karen seemed pretty excited at first, but became tearful when she saw the final design – a morbidly obese woman in her underwear, rendered entirely in icing. A tribute to the album cover, obviously.

“‘Is that… is that supposed to be me?’ sobbed Karen. ‘No!’ I laughed. ‘Why would I be baking a cake for you?’

“The next day we had a long drive to Karen’s parents, so I played the whole album on repeat in the car. My son Jake wanted Andy and the Band, but for once I put my foot down. I wasn’t too worried about all the ‘fucks’ and ‘cunts’ because he’s well used to his mum’s fruity language.

“Sunday night is movie night, so in honour of the ambiguous capital punishment polemic ‘Archives of Pain’ – one of my favourite tracks – I put on the controversial nineties documentary ‘Executions’ – which features real-life footage of various, er, executions.

“Bit of a downer to be honest, especially when Karen went to bed crying and calling me a monster. Still, the album is all about ‘rubbing the human face in its own vomit’ so it sort of felt appropriate.

“Monday was dedicated to the album’s literary references, the highlight being a family table read of Harold Pinter’s ‘No Man’s Land’. None of us understood or enjoyed it, but it certainly felt very deep and meaningful which again, summed up the spirit of ‘The Holy Bible’.”

Understandably, Karen was not impressed by the weekend’s activities.

“Simon’s used eight of his nine lives,” she said. “If he forgets our wedding anniversary in October, I’m leaving him.

“Of course, I’m well aware of another big celebration in October,” said Simon.

“The 40th-anniversary edition of The Rolling Stones’ ‘Tattoo You’ is being released.

“For an album comprised of studio outtakes it’s incredibly cohesive, don’t you think? Maybe I’ll take it away for a spa weekend.”

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