Wednesday 2 June 2021 by Neil Tollfree

“I once fought a monkey” – 5 things we learnt about Sir Keir Starmer


Keir Starmer life stories

Appearing on Piers f**king Morgan’s Life Stories gave Labour leader Sir Keir Starmer a chance to really let people know who he is. Here are five revelations from the show.

  1. Monkey fight – Sir Keir revealed that when he was visiting Colchester Zoo as a teenager a monkey got loose and threatened to mess up the souvenir shop. Unable to stomach the thought of ruined souvenirs, Sir Keir wrestled the monkey to the floor and beat it unconscious.
  2. No pants for Keir – Disliking the feeling of material on his genitals, he never wears underwear. If he became Prime Minister, would he meet with the Queen whilst going commando? He refused to say.
  3. Her Majesty’s rocking opposition – He played bass in 90s hitmakers Ocean Colour Scene, appearing on Top of the Pops to perform Riverboat Song and The Day We Caught The Train. When Morgan produced a bass guitar, Sir Keir played the chorus of You’ve Got It Bad. It is unclear if he played it accurately, as no one could remember how it actually goes.
  4. More cheese please – Sir Keir revealed that he is a huge fan of cheese and in 1989 wrote a pamphlet called ‘Keir Starmer’s Parmesan’ extolling the virtues of the vomity Italian dairy comestible.
  5. Computer Whizz – He was a talented child who got into computers at a young age. In 1983, he even came third in a high score competition on Horace Goes Skiing.

The Piers f**king Morgan interview is just the beginning of a media onslaught that will see Sir Keir appear on Celebrity Masterchef, play right-back for League One strugglers Rochdale, and release an album of his interpretations of the Great American Songbook.

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