Farrow & Ball celebrates £500m sale with release of new colour ‘Shareholders Ejaculation’

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Upmarket British paint firm Farrow & Ball has been sold to Danish coatings manufacturer Hempel for £500m, with the sale commemorated by the release of a new colour.

The sale is likely to lead to a push for sales outside the UK, a campaign that will be fronted by its new colour ‘Shareholder Ejaculation’.

Farrow & Ball spokesperson Simon Williams told us, “We here at Farrow & Ball have long been know for our emotive, evocative and borderline indecipherable naming conventions, and we feel that ‘Shareholders Ejaculation’ follows in that fine tradition.

“It is a new shade of off-white, that instead of using a brush or roller, is best applied when flung at the wall using your hand, one sloppy handful at a time.

“We feel confident that our customers will embrace this new colour, almost as much as our shareholders have embraced the enormous cheque they are about to cash.”

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Consumer Derek Matthews told us, “I don’t know why we can’t just have colours like white, blue and red? What happened to those?

“Though, if this sort of thing can secure you a half a billion-pound valuation, then I fully expect that by the end of the month Homebase will have shelves filled with tins of ‘businessman’s spunk’.