Thursday 1 April 2021 by Lucas Wilde

Partying in the park: A guide to putting your f*cking litter in a f*cking bin


Litter in the park

Drinking in public! It’s terrific, but what to do with the resultant cans, bottles and cardboard boxes?

It’s a question that has puzzled the stupid for eons.

“If you ARE a stupid human being, then your first instinct might be to abandon your formerly useful items – or “litter”- right where you’ve been sitting, and walk away. However, science has shown us there IS another way,” said scientist, Hayley Rice.

“This ‘other way’ is known as ‘putting your fucking litter in a fucking bin’ and it’s deceptively simple.”

Rice’s method has several steps:

  1. Pick up your leavings from the floor
  2. Locate a litter receptacle, known as a “bin”
  3. Put your fucking litter in the fucking bin.
  4. If no bin is available, take your fucking litter with you until you find a fucking bin

Local shitwit, Simon Williams, said “ohhhhh” while smacking his own forehead.

“It’s so simple when you spell it out like that.

“I’d just been leaving my empty cans in the middle of the park for someone else to clean up, because I’m a 27-year-old child.”

“But I’m intrigued by this ‘bin’ thing. I’m going to give it a go the next time me and forty-seven of my friends decide to get together for a knees-up in the midst of a pandemic.”

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