Friday 8 January 2021 by Lucas Wilde

“Clap For Heroes” means all kinds of people will be rewarded with applause instead of adequate pay


Clap for heroes

That 8pm clap thingy is back.

With the return of lockdown comes the return of palm-slap-substitutes-for-actual-money as this time the weekly round of applause won’t just be for NHS, but for teachers, carers or anybody else who is blatantly not paid enough for all the shit they are currently dealing with.

“Oh right, cheers,” said teacher, Hayley Rice, who has lost two stone in the last eight months due to stress and last had a payrise around the release of Terminator: Salvation.

“I mean, money would be nice so that I can get some therapy or even just some nice things to distract me from the overwhelming responsibility of the welfare and education of the forty-five children in my class.

“But the applause is nice I guess, just please don’t forget about the situations we actually face in return for obscenely low amounts of compensation.”

Conservative MP, Simon Williams, said, “We’re all hoping the applause will distract from the situations these people face in return for obscenely low amounts of compensation.”

“I mean, sure, some upstart Labour MP will probably bring up the idea of a pay rise for teachers, careworkers and NHS staff, and yes we’ll make vague murmurings of looking at it ‘when the time is right’ but we know that’s as far as the idea will ever go and, if you’re honest, so do you.

“We’re the Conservative government you know? We haven’t suddenly rebranded to Mr Happy’s Hippy Shack of Adequate Pay for Hard Work.

“Happy new year and don’t forget to bang those saucepans good and loud!”

There are currently witterings below - why not add your own?

Previous post:

Next post: