President Trump has been vanquished.
The 45th President of the United States has become the first President in 28 years to lose out on a second term, and it feels absolutely fucking fantastic to type that out.
Trump reacted to the news with the level-headed, non-dramatic approach we’ve all come to expect of the orange bastard.
“He screamed “Noooo!” and then evaporate into Cheeto dust, as his kind tend to do when defeated by forces for good,” confirmed White House spokesperson, Simon Williams.
“We confirmed it was Cheeto dust when Donald Trump Jr. got on his knees to try and snort up his father. We’re still not sure why he did that. It was like a Pavlovian response to seeing a huge pile of powder settling on a flat surface.
“Everybody here was shocked when the President crumbled to dust, especially Melania, who was so shocked that she yelped in delight and then left the White House immediately with the most handsome Secret Service member on our staff.
“Oh well. I suppose somebody had better vacuum him up. Biden’s team will be coming to measure for curtains any minute now.”