With world leaders queuing up to condemn Donald Trump’s baseless accusations of electoral fraud, Number 10 has confirmed that Prime Minister Boris F*cking Johnson will issue a statement on the matter in a week or two, long after it would prove helpful, relevant or useful.
“A decisive statement from Boris? Good Lord, no. Of course not,” chuckled Number 10 insider Simon Williams.
“No, even though Trump’s comments were clearly wrong and dangerous, you can’t expect the Prime Minister to just come out and say as much.”
Mr Williams went on to detail the procedure prior to issuing a statement.
“Well, first he has to ask Dominic if it’s alright, then Dominic has to run it through a couple of focus groups full of angry racists, then we have to check that it doesn’t look like we’re agreeing with Starmer on anything, then we leak it to the Daily Mail, then Gove goes on Marr to deny anything about it, then we announce that we’re going to make an announcement through Robert Peston’s Twitter feed.
“Yes, it does mean that everything we do is a week or two too late to be useful or relevant, but it’s the standard way we do everything around here. To just do something off the cuff like that would take some political courage and, well, it’s Boris we’re talking about here.”
It is expected that Johnson will issue a statement congratulating President-elect Joe Biden sometime over Christmas.