Thursday 30 July 2020

Government advert for £100k spokesperson attracts entirely predictable rabble of unscrupulous two-faced snake-oil salesmen


Government spokesperson to get £100k a year

Boris Johnson’s government has advertised for a new public face of his administration, with an entirely predictable plethora of despicable PR professionals vying for the £100k a year role.

The government hopes the new position will be taken by a trustworthy face and comforting voice who can repeatedly and competently mislead the public about what the government is doing on any given day.

The job advert has already attracted precisely the sort of pricks who get overly excited at the prospect of lying to millions of people on a regular basis.

Simon Williams, 28, told us, “I’ve spent the last four years saying nice but entirely untrue things in public about chemical companies that are slowly poisoning the planet, so although it might not seem like it, this is actually a step up on the morality scale.

“Maybe I’ll be able to sleep a little better at night?”

However, some applicants have been a little more open about their motivations for applying for the new government role.

Taron Wigglesmith, 38, told us, “Me? I’ll say absolutely anything for money.

“Honestly, I make contestants on the Apprentice look like paragons of virtue. There is no-one on this planet who is better qualified to tell the public how great this government is doing. See, I’m doing it already, despite being completely ignorant of every policy they’re currently enacting.

“I’m absolutely perfect.”

It is expected the government will unveil the new person we’ll all hate some time before Christmas, in the hope we’ll forget the faces of the people we all currently hate.

A Cabinet of Arseholes – get the T-shirt here!

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