Everyone secretly disappointed Mary Trump’s book doesn’t mention pissing Russian hookers

Professional and amateur pundits around the world are doing their best to pretend they are excited about the revelations in the new book by Mary Trump even though they were really hoping for a vivid description of high-end Muscovite whores taking a slash on Donald Trump.

Simon Williams, a senior political editor for the Washington Post, said that Mary Trump’s book gave an interesting look into her family’s psychodramas but failed to tackle the geopolitical implications of a golden shower aficionado becoming resident in the White House.

He explained, “I guess that whole story about him paying someone to take the SATs for him is kinda fun, but it’s not like anyone imagined he got into Penn State on his own merit.

“But what the American electorate really needs to know is if the piss-play is a fetish of his, or was it a coke-fuelled one-off? Does he sometimes ask Melania to drink a pint of iced coffee and put on something sexy and stainproof?”

Mr Williams conceded that there was some public interest in knowing that Donald Trump is driven by a desperate need for validation from an emotionally abusive father.

He went on, “Frankly I don’t get why he tried to block the publication in court. We all know his father was an asshole just by the son. We all guessed his pathetic exaggerations stemmed from something dark. This book doesn’t really answer the many questions Americans have about their President, such as his stance on the asparagus question.

“How can we make a sound voting choice if we don’t know whether he enjoys a clear and abundant flow or he prefers it syrupy and pungent?”

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