Friday 12 June 2020 by Chris Ballard

Family canal trip ruined by statues of racists


canal trip ruined by statues of racists

A family barge outing had to be cut short due to a submerged pile of offensive statues.

Simon Williams and his wife decided to give their kids a change of scenery by taking them on a short canal trip.

“Before you say anything, I know we’re not allowed to go on holiday,” said Simon. “But staying together in a ‘houseboat’ seemed to be basically the same thing as staying at home.

“Anyway, we’d barely gone half a mile when there was a terrible scraping noise on the underside and we ground to a halt.

“I grabbed Ben, our five-year-old, by the ankles and dangled him headfirst into the water so he could see what was going on.

“‘Dad!’ he gasped and spluttered three minutes later when I pulled him back up. ‘It’s a load of racist statues!’

“That’s a bit weird, I thought as I plucked a used condom from Ben’s shoulder. I couldn’t remember that being in any of the Norfolk Broads holiday brochures. This situation probably required an adult to assess the full scale of the problem.

“So my wife Karen went for a swim.

“’It’s absolute carnage down there,’ she said. ‘Slave traders, nineties comedians, anyone born before 1950. We’re going to have to turn back’.

“Bloody typical! A shopping trolley I could have dealt with. But a pile of inappropriate stone memorials large enough to constitute a dam? It was completely impassable.

“’The trip’s over everyone,’ I said. ‘Come on, let’s go to the park, buy four lollies from that dodgy-looking ice cream van and play Coronavirus roulette’.

“As we sailed away from the statueberg I realised it was the students I felt sorry for – where were they going to put their traffic cones now? University ruined for an entire generation.”

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