Wednesday 3 June 2020 by Chris Ballard

Durdle Door applies for French citizenship


Durdle Door applies for French citizenship

A section of Dorset’s Jurassic Coast is planning to go and live across the Channel due to the appalling way it’s been treated by Brits.

The Jurassic Coast UNESCO World Heritage site on the south coast of England has been extremely popular with visitors since lockdown measures were eased on Monday.

Sadly, the environment has been treated with less respect than a Tory MP gives the general public.

“That’s it!” said Durdle Door, one of the world’s most famous natural stone arches.

“I’ve had a word with the other rocks, and the beach, and we’ve decided to move to France where they’re not all ignorant fuckheads.

“Some people obviously think that ‘social distancing’ is an order to be as anti-social as possible – I lost count of the number of lads who took a piss on my head yesterday.

“There were so many beer cans being thrown into the sea that I assumed a ‘kill a bird’ competition was actively in progress.

“Visitors’ behaviour was so appalling that I thought for a moment that I must be the subject of some kind of Ant and Dec hidden camera wind-up. Then I remembered that geological features rarely get chosen by producers for such hilarious japes and I was, in fact, witnessing British society at its very worst.

“Now, I would never presume that the sorts of loutish bellends who gave in to their base instincts and covered the beach in plastic waste and human faeces were all Brexit voters. That would be simplifying a set of very complex factors driving why the importance of environmentalism is apparently failing to penetrate the mainstream consciousness.

“However, I think that – almost without exception – they were definitely Brexit voters.

“A bunch of stupid, self-centered twats who have absolutely no ability to think through the consequences of their actions and consider the sort of world they’re leaving behind for future generations.

“So we’re off – and it’s goodbye, not ‘au revoir.’ For your next little day out why don’t you try the local household waste and recycling centre?”

When we’ve eradicated Covid-19, can we get started on the morons? Get the T-shirt!

There are currently witterings below - why not add your own?

Previous post:

Next post: