Report: We could lift the lockdown today if everyone agrees to drive bumper cars all the time

author avatar by 4 years ago

The difficulty in finding a compromise between protecting people from the transmission of the Coronavirus and getting people back to work may have been solved today after a report suggested everyone drives bumper cars all the time.

Medical recommendations are that people maintain a distance of at least six feet from each other at all time – and the bumper cars would ensure than anyone getting too close would bounce clean off with a shower of sparks and a ‘Phweeeoooow!’ noise to remind them not to break social distancing.

The little cars would be small enough for people to get into offices, warehouses and other places of work, although the authors accept it would be necessary to saw the legs off your desk in order to reach a keyboard.

“The dilemma of keeping people safe whilst not bankrupting the entire world has led to a lot of debate in recent weeks but we think we’ve solved the problem,” said report author Professor Simon Williams of the Kettering Institute of Fairground Technology.

“Initial suggestions were that people should wear Zorbs all the time, but that’s stupid. How are you supposed to use a keyboard or go to the toilet in a Zorb?

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“We needed a cheap and practical solution that people could use immediately, and comical little electric cars airbrushed with copyright-breaching pictures of Spiderman and Mickey Mouse solve the problem with no downside.

“If the government can afford hundreds of billions to support businesses during this time, they can afford twenty quid to buy everyone one of these cars and get them working again.”

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