Tuesday 5 May 2020 by Neil Tollfree

Government pledges to continue to do all it can to look like it’s doing all it can to defeat coronavirus


Boris Johnson coronavirus briefing

The government has pledged to continue doing everything it can to look like it’s doing everything it can to defeat coronavirus.

“We know that it is our duty to you, the great British public, to work tirelessly to give the impression that we are doing actual practical work to bring this coronavirus crisis to a close,” explained ‘Prime’ Minister Boris Johnson.

“This means a parade of posh people continuing to appear on television quoting numbers, promises, pledges, statistics, and intentions that all give the impression of considerable real-world activity.”

Tory supporter Simon Williams was impressed.

“No, that’s brilliant, that is,” he said.

“Because in places like New Zealand and Germany and that, they hardly ever make the effort to look like they’re working hard on the coronavirus, they just let the relatively small number of cases and deaths say everything instead.

“That’s just lazy.”

Mr Johnson also mentioned that, sadly, the government would still not be able to take any practical action to stop the coronavirus.

He went on, “Good Lord no. We don’t have time for that, it takes a huge amount of time and effort to look like you’re spending a huge amount of time and effort on something as big as this.

“With so much time spent trying to look like we are doing something, there is precious little time left over to actually do something.

“Rest assured, though, there will be someone along on television soon who will be working tremendously hard to look like he’s worked tremendously hard.”

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