Monday 4 May 2020 by Chris Ballard

Meadow mowers reminded that only ONE man and his dog allowed due to social distancing


man mowing meadow with his dog

The government has reiterated that the mowing of meadows by multiple men is currently strictly prohibited.

As rumours of ‘lockdown fatigue’ start to spread, men have been reminded that if they go to mow a meadow they can be accompanied by a dog, but absolutely no other men.

Police Officer Simon Williams has been patrolling meadows for the past month.

“To be fair, most people are still adhering to social distancing guidelines,” he said. “However, there are some notable exceptions when it comes to grass cutting in meadows.

“It may not seem like an obviously social activity but I’ve seen instances of up to ten men and a dog going to mow a meadow. It beggars belief!

“It’s always men – we never have any trouble with women.

“What’s really weird is that they only ever have a single lawnmower with them. What the hell do they all do? At most you could argue that a second man is required to rake up the cuttings. But even then, with a decent grass box…

“And to be completely honest I’m not sure why there needs to be a dog. As far as I can tell they just run around the meadow shitting in the grass. If it was me doing the mowing the last thing I’d want is dog muck spraying up into my face as the blades drove over it.

“Let’s hope this latest announcement makes all these men realise that lockdown is still in place and well-manicured grasslands are not worth dying for.”

In other news, five little men in a flying saucer came down to earth one day and were immediately fined for both gathering in a group and non-essential travel.

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