Monday 4 May 2020 by Chris Ballard

Concern UK population has lost herd immunity to McDonald’s after weeks without exposure


McDonald's herd immunity

McDonald’s is being allowed to reopen some of its outlets as the British government desperately seeks herd immunity to cravings for Big Macs.

Before lockdown, the threat of McDonald’s was largely under control.

Consumption of McNuggets or burgers containing little squares of yellow plastic was still common, of course, but the general population had built up enough resistance to the Golden Arches that a cheeky lunchtime McFlurry was the exception rather than the rule.

Britain’s children were largely capable of being served bowls of pasta without asking where their small movie-related choking hazard was.

However, the scientific community is now concerned that nearly two months with zero exposure to Maccy D’s has left people vulnerable to widespread infection.

“It happened to me last night,” said the government’s Chief Scientific Adviser Sir Patrick Vallance.

“I had a small glass of beer and suddenly thought, ‘ooh, I quite fancy a McChicken Sandwich.’ Or is it Chicken McSandwich? Anyway, the one that looks like a bull jizzed all over it.

“This kind of urge needs to be nipped in the bud immediately. That’s why we’re authorising the reopening of some McDonald’s outlets – to get the scent of saturated fats back into society so we can achieve herd immunity as quickly as possible.

“It may mean that up to 60% of the population has a McDonald’s over the coming months. For most people though, it will just be a quick meal followed by a feeling of guilt that will fade over three or four days.

“The important thing is to create the antibodies that will help protect our most vulnerable citizens – teenagers, single men and parents with small children.”

The Prime Minister felt the need to clarify Sir Patrick’s comments.

“Herd immunity isn’t an objective,” he said. “It’s merely a scientific term and something that will happen as a side-effect of controlled exposure to Filets-o-Fish.

“But I will level with you. Over the coming weeks and months, many of your loved ones will – very sadly – eat a McDonald’s.”

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