Thursday 5 March 2020 by John Swift

World heading for economic crisis as 0.00001 % of planet’s population falls ill


stock market coronavirus

As stock markets continue to slide, airlines go out of business and companies warn of panic buying, everyone has been reminded that just 0.00001% of the planet’s population have taken ill with Covid-19.

With the World Health Organisation insisting that the confirmed cases of Covid-19 around the world currently represent just 92,000 out of a population of 7.7 billion, 90% of which are in one country, everyone has decided nonetheless to lose their collective minds.

Global stock markets have lost $7 trillion in value in the last couple of weeks, representing over $70 million for every single confirmed case around the world.

Simon Williams told us, “I don’t know anyone who has it, and nobody in our town knows anyone who has it, but that doesn’t mean it wasn’t a good move to buy every single toilet roll on the shelf this morning.

“I also sold all of the shares that I own, and spent the entire proceeds buying gold.  When the economy eventually collapses – probably sometime next week – it will be good to have all of my wealth tied into something with intrinsic value that I can carry around the woods with me while I look for shelter.

“I feel sorry for everyone tied up in bitcoin – good luck trading that for a piece of semi-fresh roadkill at the local barter stations that will inevitably pop-up across the country.”

Meanwhile, the government has asked people not to panic, right after telling them that the army is primed to step in to control things if it all gets out of hand.

Political analyst Jake Matthews told us, “People need to maintain perspective, and look on the bright side. If the economy does tank a little this year, it’s going to make it much harder for Donald Trump to get a second term.”

However, non-morons have reminded everyone to just wash their hands more regularly and that in all likelihood, they will be just fine.

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