Tuesday 18 February 2020 by Chris Ballard

Downing Street special advisers have smaller than average brains, finds study


Dominic Cummings small brain

A scientifically robust study has found that government advisers have weird shaped skulls and small brains.

Research published today in the Journal of Social Engineering reveals that there’s a very good reason why No 10 advisers are so fucking stupid.

“For years people have been calling my work immoral and discriminatory,” said study lead Professor Simon Williams.

“But I now have conclusive evidence that No 10 advisers are a bunch of asinine twats.

“Firstly, they have lower IQs than advisers working elsewhere in the public sector. Their verbal reasoning is mainly based on the phrase ‘because I said so’.

“They also have physically small brains. This causes a number of issues, not least giving themselves wanky job titles like ‘Superforecaster’ – a role which anyone with a modicum of intelligence would realise isn’t actually a thing.

“Detailed skull measurements also tell us that No 10 advisers are more likely to be psychopaths who lack empathy with – for example – people who don’t have much money… or people who don’t look exactly like them… or people who didn’t go to the same school as them.”

But now that we know the facts what can we do about this?

“Well,” said Professor Williams, “the solution is actually quite simple – forced sterilisation. If we stop these over-privileged idiots breeding then perhaps over the next few generations the Tories will slowly become less and less like cunts.

“It might sound harsh but it’s for the greater good of society, so I think they would probably agree with the policy.”

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