Monday 10 February 2020 by Arabin Patson

Government explains it has resumed deportation of British people for ‘not needing SPF 50, if you catch our drift’


Boris immigration crisis

Boris Johnson’s government has announced that it has learned the lessons of the past and will carefully avoid mentioning Windrush when deporting British people who, how can they put it, “may not be fond of winter sports”.

Simon Williams, spokesperson for the Home Office’s newly created Absolutely Not Ethnic Cleansing Task Force, explained that, just like Brexit, the word Windrush was now taboo in government circles.

“We don’t use that word anymore. It is in the past and what matters is all the new opportunities for Daily Mail pleasing policies that this government has brought about.

“The British people have spoken and we think they want neighbourhoods to look more like the Notting Hill film than the carnival, if you know what I mean.

“We will not repeat the errors of yesterday where British people were sent to a country they knew nearly nothing about just because old codgers get stressed in their presence and feel the need to mumble on about not being racist and liking Lenny Henry.

“If people have grown up here and lived here all their lives they are safe from deportation as long as they don’t commit any crime or drink Red Stripe.”

Asked to clarify what safeguards had been put into place to avoid a repeat of the Windrush scandal, Mr Williams explained that rigorous processes were now in place.

“We have strictly forbidden our ANECTF case-workers from mentioning Jamaica or the ability to make slang fashionable. We only use strict evidence-based criteria to decide who gets put on a plane such as length of stay, family ties and how often they get a spray-tan.”

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