“You will be the same disappointing sack of shit in 2020” says no-nonsense fortune cookie

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A fortune cookie has confirmed what we already knew if we’re all honest with ourselves.

Simon Williams, 32, purchased a Chinese takeaway for him and his wife last night and looked forward to the minor novelty of snapping a bland biscuit in half to reveal a typically optimistic slogan.

“But it’s just told me I’ll be as rubbish in 2020 as I was in 2019,” confirmed Simon.

“Its exact words were ‘you will be the same disappointing sack of shit in 2020’. If I wanted to be spoken to and judged like that, I’d call my Granddad.

“I mean, yeah, I know deep down that a calendar being thrown out and a new one replacing it is not a sign of things automatically getting better, and I might have to actually TRY if I want to improve things, and I’ll probably start off doing well but will gradually fall off the wagon…

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“…I guess the fortune cookie was right.”

Simon’s wife commented, “My cookie said ‘you will remain married to a useless sack of shit in 2020’.

“…I don’t know what Simon has done to the Chinese, but they really seem to have it in for him.”

Graham Lee, owner of Noodlez, chuckled, “It’s not personal. We’re giving these out to everyone.

“The fact they are relevant to absolutely everybody is handy though.”