I didn’t witness any racist or sexist behaviour growing up with my father, insists Prince Andrew

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The Duke of York claims he didn’t notice any sort of offensive behaviour from his father when growing up in Buckingham Palace.

Prince Andrew – a man who wouldn’t notice the TV screen while playing the Krypton Factor’s observation round – says that during all the time he’s spent with Prince Philip he’s never once suspected any sort of behaviour that could be deemed racist, sexist or otherwise offensive.

“These allegations come as a complete shock to me,” explained Andrew.

“As far as I’m aware my father has always been extremely sympathetic towards others, eager to understand and appreciate cultural differences and actually he was probably one of the first feminists.”

Prince Andrew then responded to a series of his father’s quotes.

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‘Ah, so this is feminist corner then?’ Prince Philip asked a group of female Labour MPs whose name badges read “Ms” at a Buckingham Palace drinks party in 2000.

“I’m afraid I wasn’t at that Buckingham Palace party so can’t really comment. Oh, wait… 2000 you say? Well, I’d hardly call that a party! A soirée at most. And my father probably asked that because he wanted to contribute positively to a feminist discussion.”

‘If you stay here much longer, you will go home with slitty eyes,’ Prince Philip told a 21-year-old British student during a visit to China in 1986.

“Ah, well for five years after the Falklands I was in and out of hospital having a series of operations to give me back the ability to sweat. Fascinating procedure – they took cells out of my brain and put them into my sweat glands. Anyway, I wouldn’t have been anywhere near China at that time.”

‘I would be arrested if I unzipped that dress,’ Prince Philip remarked to a well-wisher during a Diamond Jubilee visit.

“Yes, that sounds exactly like my father. He knew the law, knew what was and wasn’t acceptable behaviour and operated within those parameters.

“You know, just like me.”