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Police have received several calls from concerned members of the public complaining of a horrifying, shouty, red-faced demon at their door.
Officers responded to a call at a house in Wickford from a terrified older lady who “doesn’t have any sweets, please leave me alone”.
“Turns out it was Mark Francois asking people if they were planning to vote Conservative,” said Police Officer, Simon Williams.
“He claims he’s done nothing wrong and, having watched the news, I would beg to differ – at least on a personal level. But from a legal standpoint, he’s technically right.
“So we’ll probably let him out of the van in an hour or two. We’re going to get some food first though.”
Mark Francois bellowed, “like absolutely everything else in the world, this is OUTRAGEOUS!
“I knocked on the door, the old lady opened it and screamed immediately. Then I said ‘don’t worry, I’m Mark Francois’, and then she started screaming even louder.”
“This whole thing is a stitch-up. Absolute stitch-up from start to finish.
“…although if you DO have any sweets, that would be lovely.”
