Beach evacuated after British sunbather mistaken for giant lobster

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Terrified holidaymakers were evacuated from a beach yesterday after authorities mistakenly believed it was under attack by a gigantic, bright pink monster from the deep.

The creature, which was reported to be an ‘unnatural shade’ of red which no creature of this earth could possess, was later identified as sunbather Simon Williams from Kettering who had neglected to put suncream on that morning.

“It was awful. The kids were terrified,” lifeguards told us. “This ginormous cherry-coloured thing lurched from the waves, and naturally everyone thought it was a massive lobster because frankly, nothing else you’ve ever seen is that colour.”

“And it was making a fearful yodelling noise, but that later turned out to be him shouting ‘Oi-oi saveloy’ at his girlfriend Tracey.

“We were going to call out the army in preparation for an invasion from the deep, but it turned out all he wanted was a pint and a 99 Flake in a cone.”

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When asked, Simon said his sunburn was ‘a bit tender’ before screaming in agony for twenty whole minutes when his mate Trev slapped his back.