‘You f*ckers are useless’ declares David Attenborough as he arrives in the Amazon in stolen fire engine

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David Attenborough has had enough and has taken matters into his own hands.

The presenter of Blue Planet and outspoken environmentalist stole a fire engine in the middle of the night and is heading for the Amazon rainforest to sort out the fires himself.

“I might as well, nobody else is bloody bothering,” declared the legendary documentarian, smashing right through a police barricade designed to stop him.

“I’m aware of the risks, and that a man of my age usually wouldn’t be able to contribute a lot to putting out the fires but, in case you haven’t noticed, I’m David fucking Attenborough.

“So either get in the back and make sure those oxygen tanks are working, or get the hell out of my fire truck.”

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A spokesperson for the local fire department said, “Well, we would ideally like our truck back, but only once David Attenborough is finished with it to his complete satisfaction. After all, he is David Attenborough and can do what he likes.

“Maybe he could sign the appliance when he’s finished with it? Make it out to the boys on Blue watch?”

David Attenborough was last seen emerging from the burning rainforest, carrying an entire family of grateful howler monkeys on his back.

“Not on my watch,” growled the grizzled documentarian before charging back in with a hose to further tackle the blaze.

A Brazilian government spokesperson said, “We strongly advise Mr Attenborough to proceed no further on this ridiculous quest to save the rainforest.

“We’re only advising, mind you. He can do whatever he wants. He is David Attenborough.”