Facebook-owned Instagram is to be rebranded to reflect its purpose as a validation tool for people with low self-esteem and no actual friends.
In an effort to be open and honest to users concerned about its omnipotent power, social network giant Facebook is rebranding the other sites and apps it owns.
Marketing Executive Simon Williams explained what was happening.
“We want to be completely transparent about the purpose of all our software,” he said.
“WhatsApp will therefore be called ‘I can see you’ve read my message so why the hell haven’t you responded?’ and Instagram will be known as ‘Please like my photo because I crave the validation of strangers’.
“The rebranding will also include a PR campaign designed to assuage the fears of any users worried about the invasion of privacy.
“Personalised messages will soon be appearing on news feeds – comforting things such as such as ‘Don’t worry, your penis looks fine to us’ and ‘Karen’s life may look perfect but she actually cries herself to sleep every single night’.
“But ultimately we want to be really clear about what Facebook owns and ensure that everything we control is branded with the FB logo.
“So next week we’ll start sending out emails containing appointment details for everyone’s tattoos.
“If you want to opt-out simply log into your account while visiting the international space station and reprogram your settings using C++. Backwards.”