Wednesday 7 August 2019 by Chris Ballard

Lotto winner who quit job to focus on scriptwriting will probably just wank himself into an early grave


screenwriter, lotto winner

A 24-year-old man who won £10k a month for the next 30 years has given up his day job to pursue a career in screenwriting – but he’s far more likely to just bop the bishop until he can no longer breathe.

As any man who’s ever worked from home knows there’s nothing quite as joyful as a cheeky wax of the dolphin during a coffee break.

Simon Williams is a lifestyle consultant who specialises in high net worth individuals.

“It’s a tale as old as time,” he said. “A young man becomes suddenly wealthy and decides to take the bull by the horns and fulfil their destiny.

“A few weeks later, having focused too much on one particular horn, they don’t have the energy to get out of bed and all their socks are as stiff as ironing boards.

“I wish this Lotto winner all the luck in the world but this is how I predict his life will now play out.

“He’ll sit down to write something incredible, and then he’ll realise it’s actually not as easy as all that. To clear his head he’ll have a quick game of tug of war with Cyclops.

“Afterwards, a bit of googling will reveal the awful truth that to be a successful writer he’ll have to work much harder than he ever did in a ‘proper’ job. This is the moment he sets PornHub as his home page.

“Within a fortnight he’ll be forgetting to eat.

“After about a month he’ll realise what his true ambition in life is – to stay at home with the curtains drawn bucking the slobbering donkey until he slips peacefully into a coma.

“I give him approximately six weeks to live.

“Lucky bastard.”

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