Drug dealers across the south-west are demanding to be compensated for lost income following the cancellation of Boardmasters festival after organisers said they expected bad weather.
Many drug-dealers see the summertime coastal festival as the highlight of their year, with a large number of them relying on the festival to generate the bulk of their annual income.
A number of dealers have come forward and lamented the fact that they will now not be able to generate the income required to invest in more drugs for the remainder of the year, as the festival-attending middle-class teens who they can overcharge often making up the vast majority of their most profitable clientele.
One Cornis dealer, Simon Williams, told us, “This is really bad for the drug economy in the region. People keep saying that Brexit will have a devastating effect on the Cornish economy, but this is significantly worse. It’s like they’ve taken away drug dealers Christmas.
“Young middle-class people who go there are just so easy to fool; sometimes I just sell them dried herbs for £10 a bag.
“90% of the time they’re too busy trying to impress their friends and embarrassed about not feeling anything that they just pretend they’re getting high. It’s a beautiful thing.
“But now you’re telling me a bit of rain and wind is going to stop me getting the new hydroponics system I had my eye on? That’s such bullshit.
“Anyway, to change the subject slightly, I don’t suppose you’d be interested in buying fifteen kilos of Organo?”