The Metropolitan Police has apologised to Boris Johnson’s top advisor after it was revealed the dishevelled Machiavelli was constantly being mistaken by police officers for a drug-addled vagrant who somehow got through the gate.
Cressida Dick, the Metropolitan Police’s senior officer, asked Downing Street to be patient with the arresting officers and assured that Mr Cummings was treated with respect and always given a biscuit and soft drink before being taken to a Salvation Army shelter.
“You have to understand that our officers are trained to detect odd mannerisms and suspicious behaviour. They are used to Oxbridge types wearing Savile Row suits. Mr Cummings’ choice to dress like a middle-aged travel agent going through a bad divorce and sleeping in his car marks him out.
“To make things more complicated, when approached by Police he displays erratic behaviour and shuffles oddly while mumbling nonsense about embracing disruption and how mastering unreality was the key to power.
“However, I do want to make it clear that Mr Cummings was always treated with the professional concern we have for vulnerable people. He was given clean clothes and asked if he had a referral for a food bank. All four times.”
Downing Street affirmed that measures would be taken to ensure Dominic Cummings would stop being gently ushered into a police van each time he leaves his office, as explained press spokesperson Simon Williams.
“Dominic will now be followed by a civil servant at all times. Apparently, that is simpler than expecting the man tasked with guiding the government through the most complex transition since World War 2, to iron a shirt or speak like a human being.”