You don’t f**k with Lorraine Kelly, country learns

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The UK has realised ITV presenter and national treasure Lorraine Kelly is not someone to be trifled with, after Esther McVey crashed out of the leadership contest.

Tongues started wagging as Lorraine appeared to snub Esther McVey when asked if she remembered her. Lorraine answered: “Yep. Yes I do,” whilst punching the famous GMTV sofa.

Ms Kelly commented, “I can’t be expected to remember every twat I’ve worked with over the last 20 years, only the most appalling dickheads stick in my memory. But I do remember Esther, yes.

“I can’t be bothered to go into it, I don’t have time to list everything that’s wrong with the woman. I’ve had a word with some pals, and not only will Esther be crashing out of the leadership contest on the first round, she’ll also struggle to get planning permission for any ‘luxury huts’ she’s probably planning on writing her pathetic little memoirs in.

“You do not fuck with Lorraine Kelly.

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“To be honest, like everyone one else in the UK who isn’t completely mental, I’m considering moving to the abandoned town of Pripyat in Ukraine. It appeared on a programme I watched recently and seemed in better shape than the UK at the moment.”