Tuesday 4 June 2019 by Chris Ballard

Queen automatically wins next year’s Best Actress Oscar for not breaking character and punching Trump in face


Queen meets Trump

Her Majesty The Queen will be the only nominee for the Best Actress award at the 2020 Oscar ceremony after her outstanding performance smiling at Donald Trump for hours as if she didn’t want to stab him in the eye with a spoon.

Last night Donald Trump sat next to The Queen at a state banquet in Buckingham Palace. But the Queen somehow kept it together the entire time.

“The Queen isn’t available to give a statement this morning,” said a Palace spokesman.

“She had to bite her tongue so much yesterday that she basically now has a huge lump of corned beef in her mouth.

“Needless to say the country should applaud her sterling work in not initiating a nuclear holocaust by brutally murdering the President of the United States. My God, she had cause enough.”

The evening began with Trump attempting to upskirt The Queen with his phone.

“‘I know my British etiquette,” said the President. “No pussy grabbing here – photos only!”

Remarkably, the British head of state managed a small laugh instead of knocking Trump to the floor and stamping on his testicles until they popped.

Trump then ate the fish course with his fingers, subsequently washing his tiny hands in Her Majesty’s gin and tonic, which he obviously believed to be on the table for just that purpose.

The Palace spokesperson went on, “All the while, Her Majesty smiled politely. But her staring eyes, her white knuckles as she gripped her fork… myself and the staff could sense the repressed violence. It was a masterclass in diplomatic deception.

“She even convincingly gave the impression that she was highly amused when her after-dinner speech was interrupted by the revving of a moped as it delivered the pizza Trump had ordered.

“He said it was because ‘you guys have such tiny portions’.”

The Queen now has a day to recover as the burden of Donald Trump passes to Theresa May. She’ll have to endure him again on Wednesday, however, during the D-Day anniversary activities.

“A whole day dedicated to all things Donald!” said Trump.

“The British love me so much!”

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