Monday 3 June 2019 by John O'Neil

Spurs fans call for a ‘People’s Game’ to confirm Champions League result


Tottenham Hotspur people's match

Disappointed Tottenham Hotspur fans, distraught at losing a Champions League final to Liverpool that they thought they would win, have called for a second ‘People’s Game’, promising the outcome of this second game will be final. Honest.

“That was no way handball,” muttered ‘Simes’ Williams from a dark corner of the El Depresivo bar in Madrid.

“He was just hailing a bus, maybe – probably a big red one with ‘This way to victory’ on it – The rest is just cally lies!”

“We didn’t have enough information first time around,” piped up Spurs fan Fila McStoneisland.

“Now we know so much more about what a Liverpool victory would look like, and I’ve met a loads of people who supported Liverpool during the match but now say they would have preferred Spurs to win,” he added, scratching his chin and wiping his hand over his mouth while looking around shiftily.

“And where’s the plan for a No Spurs victory?” chipped in a sleepy thug with two dog ends pressed into the side of his face.

“There’s going to be thousands of depressed fans all over London now, with no plan what to do next – and what about cultural co-operation? I promised this Spanish bird ‘Dinna wiv a winna’ and now she won’t return my calls.”

Politicians at home reacted quickly to the news. Vince Cable said “Bollocks to Scousers”, Jacob Rees-Mogg said Liverpool fans would Never Walk Alone – and thanks for the sugar and slaves – and Jeremy Corbyn said it was an excellent and disappointing match with good players on both sides.

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