Emperor rejects calls for lightsaber control laws after horrendous youngling massacre

author avatar by 4 years ago

The Emperor has said he sees ‘No need’ for any increase in lightsabre control laws despite the recent mass-killing of younglings in the Jedi temple, we can report.

Dozens of younglings were killed after a man armed with a lightsaber entered the Jedi Temple unopposed – despite the temple operating regular ‘Active Sith’ drills and teachers being routinely armed with sabers and blasters of their own.

Hiding in a cupboard or behind a desk proved to be ‘completely futile’ when faced with Force Lightning and Choking, sources revealed.

In a statement this morning, the Emperor described the attack as a ‘tragedy’, but confirmed he wasn’t planning to do anything much to stop it happening again beyond telling people to trust in the Force and reach out with their feelings.

Campaigner Sy-Mon Snootles, who narrowly survived a lightsaber attack at a private party several years ago, said the decision was disgraceful.

“It’s just too easy for kids to get hold of a lightsaber these days,” he told us. “People just leave them lying around.

“Any farm boy or scavenger girl can just pick one up off a desert hobo or find one in a random chest. There needs to be reasonable restrictions which can’t be circumvented by simply taking over someone’s mind and telling them what to do.”

However, pro-lightsabre advocate and spokesman for the National Dark Side Association Anakin Skywalker disagreed.

“It’s outrageous the way people who’ve been attacked with a lightsaber make that all political,” he said.

“If you take lightsabers off good guys then only Sith will have lightsabers. You’ll take my lightsaber from my charred and legless body.”