Tuesday 4 June 2019 by Davywavy

Emperor rejects calls for lightsaber control laws after horrendous youngling massacre


Youngling massacre

The Emperor has said he sees ‘No need’ for any increase in lightsabre control laws despite the recent mass-killing of younglings in the Jedi temple, we can report.

Dozens of younglings were killed after a man armed with a lightsaber entered the Jedi Temple unopposed – despite the temple operating regular ‘Active Sith’ drills and teachers being routinely armed with sabers and blasters of their own.

Hiding in a cupboard or behind a desk proved to be ‘completely futile’ when faced with Force Lightning and Choking, sources revealed.

In a statement this morning, the Emperor described the attack as a ‘tragedy’, but confirmed he wasn’t planning to do anything much to stop it happening again beyond telling people to trust in the Force and reach out with their feelings.

Campaigner Sy-Mon Snootles, who narrowly survived a lightsaber attack at a private party several years ago, said the decision was disgraceful.

“It’s just too easy for kids to get hold of a lightsaber these days,” he told us. “People just leave them lying around.

“Any farm boy or scavenger girl can just pick one up off a desert hobo or find one in a random chest. There needs to be reasonable restrictions which can’t be circumvented by simply taking over someone’s mind and telling them what to do.”

However, pro-lightsabre advocate and spokesman for the National Dark Side Association Anakin Skywalker disagreed.

“It’s outrageous the way people who’ve been attacked with a lightsaber make that all political,” he said.

“If you take lightsabers off good guys then only Sith will have lightsabers. You’ll take my lightsaber from my charred and legless body.”

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