Wednesday 1 May 2019 by Neil Tollfree

Top scientists from MIT and London Imperial College finally decipher Labour’s Brexit policy


Scientists breakthrough on Labour brexit policy

The scientific world was hailing a huge breakthrough today as it was revealed that some of the world’s top scientists have deciphered the Labour Party’s Brexit policy.

In an eighteen-month joint project between London Imperial Collage and MIT, some of the world’s finest minds have come together to try and figure out exactly what Labour really intends to do about Brexit.

“Cloning that sheep was a doddle compared to cracking this,” laughed an exhausted Simon Williams, professor of complex obfuscation and hard sums at London Imperial.

“We began by gathering together everything said or written by someone who can be considered part of the leadership of the party.

“At that point, we were ready to give up, because it really was just the deranged ramblings of a drunken lunatic, but we persevered and now believe we understand what they really mean.”

According to the study Labour will support a Brexit deal that fulfils certain unobtainable criteria or will support a general election for which they will run on a policy of renegotiating a Brexit deal that fulfils the unobtainable criteria unless it’s a Sunday in which case a second referendum may be considered provided it only offers a choice between two unobtainable Brexit deals unless it’s raining on the Sunday in which case no deal may be offered as part of the referendum unless the moon is in Sagittarius in which case the referendum will be confirmatory between the unobtainable deal and revocation of Brexit with the provision that if a black cat crosses Jeremy Corbyn’s path the revocation of Brexit will be conditional on that day’s barometric pressure in Weston-super-Mare.

Labour Shadow Chancellor John McDonnell responded to the findings, “Exactly, that’s what we’ve been saying, I don’t understand why people keep saying we don’t have a coherent Brexit policy.”

Dr Williams and his colleagues, meanwhile, have decided to move on to something less challenging like travelling through time or discovering exactly when and how life began.

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