Victory for Theresa May as drunken Jean-Claude Juncker gives Belgium to the UK

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Funny old Jean-Claude Juncker’s drinking has finally bitten him in the arse.

Awaking from an alcohol-induced coma, the villain from one of the lower-tier Bond films hazily recalled just what he had given away to Theresa May in the previous night’s Brexit negotiations.

“Oh God, I gave them Belgium,” said the EU President, clapping a hand to his forehead.

“I must have had too much wine – I mean I always have too much wine, but this was too much of too much wine.

“We all know Belgium isn’t terribly important like France or Germany but still…we could have really done with hanging onto that, if only for the chocolate.

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“I’m sure they do other stuff besides chocolate, they MUST do. But we’ll never know now.”

A spokesperson for Downing Street said, “The Prime Minister is delighted to welcome Belgium into the comforting bosom of the United Kingdom.

“We’re looking forward to taking advantage of their booming chocolate business and…er…all the other great stuff they do.”

(Why didn’t you pick a country you can make more than one fucking joke about? – Ed)