‘Well, this is all rather lovely’ says Theresa May watching the news

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Theresa May has sat back in her chair at number 10 Downing Street to enjoy a nice cup of tea and the sight of the Labour party tearing itself to shreds in front of the nation.

After vowing not to watch the news any more after repeatedly seeing herself humiliated on national television, advisers said catching a few broadcasts this morning could do wonders for her mood.

As one aide told us, “She’s been in there the best part of an hour. Two cups of tea and a packet of hobnobs, plus lots of chuckling.  It’s the most fun she’s had in ages.”

May herself spoke to our source, telling them “This is way better than Hollyoaks.”

She went on, “My own MPs hate me, some of them think I’m plotting against the people, the others just think I’m incompetent, but fortunately they’ve all stayed within the party.

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“I should be on the ropes, struggling to keep on my feet, but thanks to Labour I’m actually leading in the polls. I know, bonkers right? I was beating him before this, and now his own MPs are undermining him publicly and doing my job for me.

“I’m sort of torn, because with Corbyn leading the opposition I’m perfectly safe, so anything that weakens him too much might see someone better leading their party.

“Still, small victories – he’s making me seem like the strong and stable choice and I’ve no idea how the fuck that happened!”