Monday 18 February 2019 by Davywavy

NewsThump demands readers sign loyalty pledge


NewsThump demands loyalty pledge

Leading satirical news site NewsThump is demanding readers sign a loyalty pledge to ensure they work towards a common goal, it has emerged.

NewsThump, which many readers feel a tribal loyalty to, has introduced the measure after allegations of being run by Tories, being run by lefties, and not being as a funny as it used to be.

“There’s a fear of a split amongst readers, and editorial staff are trying to shame them into staying rather than reaching out and addressing their legitimate concerns – like how often that story about a box of computer cables gets repeated,” we were told by industry analysts.

“There’s a real concern that the site is just talking to itself and not to a wider audience, and readers clicking on other pages and reading other content on the Internet has really got the editorial staff rattled.

“Rather than change anything, they’re demanding public displays of loyalty now, instead of addressing some very real issues at the top.”

NewsThump has denied anything sinister about the move, simply saying it is perfectly reasonable behaviour from people who are genuinely confident of their popularity and leadership.

“I’m just ensuring there’s no disloyalty amongst the ranks,” editor Simon Williams told us.

“We know our readers are fully behind us, so it makes perfect sense to ask those people to publicly state as much. You have to remember, NewsThump writes for absolutely everyone, which means the people who don’t read us are clearly stupid and evil.

“And if you don’t like NewsThump, why don’t you JUST FUCK OFF AND READ THE ROCHDALE HERALD.”

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