Friday 8 February 2019

Everything going swimmingly in alternate universe where Ed Miliband competently eats bacon sandwiches


Ed Miliband speech

In an alternate universe identical to our own apart from Ed Miliband’s ability to eat a bacon sandwich, everything is going just fine thank you very much.

UK resident Simon Williams said that life in the UK is “OK I guess”, but he can’t understand why everything has gone so terribly wrong in our universe.

He explained, “It seems we’re exactly the same right up until the 2015 election. Here, after securing a stunning victory, Miliband set about implementing his manifesto pledges, and though his parliamentary majority isn’t huge at 25, he has had plenty of cross-party support for a number of initiatives.

“The NHS more money – thought it could obviously use more – and the home building programme they implemented has made it a lot more affordable for first-time buyers.

“His immigration controls even got Tory support. Did you know we were able to deport EU nationals if they didn’t find work here? Apparently, the free movement thing was only if you come here to work, so if you’re not working, you can be made to leave. No, we didn’t know that either, but we apparently can, and Ed did – a move which seemed to take the wind out of the sails of the lot of the extreme right-wingers who keep going on about the EU.  It’s a lot easier to push those fanatics aside when the only EU migrants here are gainfully employed and demonstrably contributing to society – especially when unemployment is so low and the new higher minimum wage has helped living standards.

“Nigel Farage? Oh, he was the UKIP bloke, right? Yeah, we don’t hear much from him these days, not since that near-death auto-asphyxiation incident was caught on camera. I mean, who has a danger wank in the conference room of the EU’s Strasbourg offices?

“David Cameron hung around for a couple of months, then quit – it seems he doesn’t have much of a stomach for a fight – and then Boris took over. Right up until the scandal about his affair. He probably had it in your universe as well; you just don’t know about it – yet. It’s Theresa May now. Oh, you too? Yes, she’s shit here as well.

“Jacob Rees-Mogg? Never heard of him. Sorry.

“The global economy is a little sluggish, but the US is doing pretty well, and Hilary Clinton seems to have calmed things down in the middle east while keeping the Russians at bay. Putin seems very cross all of the time, almost like he’s wasted a lot of money recently. No, I’ve no idea either.

“A Brexit? No. What’s that then?”

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