Monday 4 February 2019 by Lucas Wilde

Maroon 5 sentenced to death


Maroon 5

Maroon 5 have ruined America, and for that, they must die.

That was the ruling of the supreme court this morning following a Superbowl half-time show that has been variously described as “disappointing”, “mediocre” and “fucking shit”.

“Our decision was unanimous,” confirmed chief justice of the supreme court, Simon Williams.

“There are many crimes which we are prepared to forgive, but ruining the piss-break of the greatest sporting event in the history of America and, by extension, the world, is not one of them.

“Adam Levine and his so-called ‘band’ had better start thinking about their last meal. Assuming the old adage ‘you are what you eat’ is true, I assume they will all be chowing down on a bucket of shit.

“We’re all set in our decision, especially those of us on the Republican side. We fucking love death.”

Marron 5’s agent, Jay Cooper, said, “As the band’s agent, this seems more than a little harsh.

“However, as a football fan, I say hang ’em high.”

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